Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
You Might Also Like
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up