Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
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If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
People buying plungers never look happy.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.