This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
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[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
birds and squirrels envy us
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’