“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.