I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My ideal weight is five million dollars
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
mmm onion ringos
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
*puts cutlery down*
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake