Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!