It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
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My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Look at this
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again