Wasps: bees, but not helping
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I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Yes my dude
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.