Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
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“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
life finds a way
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.