Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
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MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.