3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
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If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
When you let grandma cat sit
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.