[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
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Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.