What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.