Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
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#MeanwhileinCanada
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.