Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
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Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Midwest trash talk
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named