if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.