I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
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Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.