A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
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god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two