I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍