when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?