“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
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Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.