[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
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PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Oceanography is all about current events