me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes