Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.