The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
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Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night