9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.