HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]