You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
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Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me linking you to my twitter
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
broke down and did it
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”