My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
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Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.