76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
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Introverted vegans go meetless
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets