I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
relationship goals
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?