A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
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One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
no
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.