Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.