[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.