Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.