My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
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Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Ion see the issue
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Probably my best painting.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂