Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
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“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
This is a whole mood;
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN