I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
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[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I support this random dude and all his protests
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.