My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I have written yet another poem about laundry
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.