MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.