“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
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There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
based al yankovic
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons