Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
CRYING
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside