Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..