It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
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My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
#SCOTUS one-star review
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Nothing to do, you say?
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!