My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
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Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
*lint rolls you awake*
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”