If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
You Might Also Like
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
don’t be scared
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
This is my cat’s medicine.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.