*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
You Might Also Like
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*