Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Sticker placement is key.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving