I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.