If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
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I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
describing stardew valley
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.